Friday, April 12, 2013

A whole lot scared

Here I am a month from finally graduating and I'm a whole lot scared!  I've been in school (off and on) for 12 years.  That's two years for every kiddo.  We've never had enough money, although family, friends and our Church have helped us to get bills paid.  A lot.  I would love for us to be making enough to not be in a poverty bracket!    Sometimes I almost cry when I see all that my friends are doing.  They're going cool places and they're able to go out and do fun things without worrying (or expressing worry).  Some save money in order to do cool things (which I think is awesome).  We have the requisite $5 in our Savings in order to keep it open.  Their kids are in Sports, dance/music classes. My kids watch Netflix.  I'm happy for them (especially knowing all they had to go through to get to that point), and I wonder if we will get to that point.  Where we can take our whole family to Disneyworld/Disneyland.  I was a teenager when I went, and I went to EuroDisney/ Disneyland Paris.  I went once on a school trip and once with my family by saving gas  stamps.  We slept in our van at a gas station and drove a loooong time.  Super fun memory!  We got tickets for one day.  I'm not sure why we don't have pictures.  Strange.  We have pictures of the Eiffel Tower.
But, even as I work super hard to be an awesome teacher, without sleeping enough (ever), I've still got that niggling doubt that I can't leave my kids in order to work.  I'll have to find someone great to watch them, because Scott will possibly have an awesome job for him (an Interpreter position at an elementary school).  I haven't done well at getting my preschooler in preschool.  Technically my toddler could even be in Early Headstart.  I am not as willing to give my kids over to someone I don't know.  I have loved knowing my kids were with someone I trusted.  Family.  Then there's the crazy expense.  CRAZY!  It might be completely awesome for my kiddos though.  It's hard for me to imagine having enough money to pay for someone to watch my kiddos plus pay student loans and bills.  It's possible, right?  Even on a teacher's salary?  I remember looking at what nannies were charging and thinking, "Yikes!"  They want to make more than what my husband will make.  Per kid.  I think it's crazy ridiculous.  Especially since they'll be at my house using all of my supplies.  Maybe I'm just undercharging them?  Or they're overvaluing themselves?  I can't imagine getting a teacher's degree and then thinking I should charge one family like I was a teacher.  Anyway.  I've got a lot of worries, so I've had a hard time putting them aside and really put my all into teaching.  I have people telling me how awesome I'm doing, and I feel guilty, because I know I could be doing so much better!
Anyway, enough rambling.  I love my kids and I love teaching!  It's finding the happy medium right now when all of my kids are not in school!  It's being prepared enough that I don't think I'm doing everything last minute.  It's not having so much stress at home that I could scream.  Or having enough energy to get my house clean and do lesson planning.  Yes.  It's being able to read to my kids at night with their rooms being clean.  It's being able to craft (at least once a month) and make something fun, so the girls remember I love them. It's spending one-on-one time with each of my kiddos, so they know the real reason I'm doing all of this is for them.  It's paying the bills I can and praying that the rest don't get too mad while they wait.  One of my friends is in the same boat, except her husband still isn't making money.  She's stuck at home all day everyday.  I feel for her!  I want to help her out too!  So many thoughts.  So little time.  I need to work on time management.

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