Sunday, October 12, 2014

I am of worth

Since I know hardly anyone reads this and I rarely have commenters, I'm going to put some stuff out there that I usually wouldn't.  I'm a mom of 7.  I love my kids, but they're not always perfectly behaved.  Actually I think the only people that see perfect behavior from my kids are their teachers, because I've taught them respect and the importance of education.  For the most part, my kids are a mess.  They're adorable, but lazy.  They're super artistic and my walls and floors can attest to that.  I'm not that great (at all) at keeping my house clean.  I hardly ever get a good night's sleep, because I come home from work to eat dinner, do dishes (sometimes before the kids go to bed but usually not), make some kind of dessert for the next day (usually jello), and try to spend some time with my kids (for the most part doing homework and just snuggling).  I do a lot of breastfeeding, since I can't all day long and I desperately need that quiet time with my baby to decompress and remember what's important.  My family is super important to me and my kids know they're loved, but they also hear me yell at them.  I get angry when they fight.  I get upset when they don't follow instructions.  I'm able to use my classroom management skills for so long before it just spills out.  I used to be a super happy, overly optimistic person, but I've let my complaints get the better of me and went along with negative talk that I really shouldn't have.  My husband's home with the three smallest all day and considers each day a success when he gets anything done and I agree!  Sometimes I let the world's views make me upset that more isn't done.  I need to do more to be a better person and I know that.
 It doesn't matter that my bipolar ADD husband with an addiction is making bad choices, I can still make good choices.
It doesn't matter that my oldest son has Autism and has already ripped the zipper off his new backpack, because he's a paper hoarder and takes at least three notebooks full of his creatures and multiple books that he's reading, plus a spare outfit, in case he has an accident, which happens more frequently than I'd like to admit to.  And that he's constantly making explosions and mind-reading as long as he's awake, plus destroying whatever shirt he's wearing by chewing and sucking on it.  Right now he's bouncing off the walls and his mattress and scaring me half to death.
It doesn't matter that my five-year-old daughter refuses to take a bath, so I have to block her punches, pinches, and claws and come out of it soaking wet.  Or that she draws on the tile floors, or refuses to eat at the table with us and is super picky about what she eats.  (Don't worry. I'm working on getting her screened)
It doesn't matter that our 4th bedroom is now completely on lockdown due to the pouring rain and the ceiling coming down and that it's a mess, because I'm afraid to go in there.  And now my 3-year-old is desperately afraid to go to sleep if there's a storm and worries that we'll be safe.  It was in her room that the ceiling came down, so now all of the girls are back in one room.
It doesn't matter that our dryer is broke, so we have a mountain of laundry that's slowly getting washed and taken to the laundromat to dry.
It doesn't matter that our cars both have huge issues-radiator leak, back brakes, huge crack in the windshield, 2 tires going out...
It doesn't matter that we found the perfect place to rent, right down the street from the school I'm working at and we'd have to pull $1600 out of our make-believe hats.
It doesn't matter that we can't afford food, because we spend so much money on gas, so we've been eating a ton of rice and pasta and pbjs.  I really wish I liked Ramen.
It doesn't matter that my dad has ALS and I really don't want to lose the only righteous Priesthood holder in my close family.  I love my Dad!
It doesn't matter that my kids have way too much clothes and I can't figure out how to sell it to try to recoup some of the money from buying it.
None of these trials should be the downfall of a beloved daughter of God whose life has meaning, purpose and direction.  None of these things should affect my ability to do service, or pray, or read my scriptures, or strive to become a better person.  I can still be a good person, even if my life isn't perfect.  It's okay if my kiddos do their own hair sometimes.  It's okay if someone has an accident and has to take a shower and makes us run a little late.  It's okay if I have to leave at 4 in the morning to go to a day conference, so I don't have to leave my kids overnight.  It's okay if my husband is suffering from an addiction that may take him away from us for awhile.  It's okay if sometimes I fail to keep obligations, because I just can't handle one more thing.  It's okay!  Heavenly Father still loves me!  Jesus still died for me!  I can still repent!  I'm so blessed to have an amazing family!  I'm so blessed to have a stable job teaching amazing children!  I'm so blessed and this week I'm going to work hard to remember that!  I will be happy again!  I will work harder to be a better mom!  I will!  I am of worth, of infinite worth!  I'll be what He wants me to be!

1 comment:

  1. I appreciate your honesty. It's a difficult choice I'm sure to decide to have 7 kids. I don't think I could stay on top of it all, especially if my spouse was struggling mentally. It sounds like along with the difficulties there are many precious moments. Hang in there Momma!