Saturday, April 7, 2012

Random thoughts

I am feeling completely stressed, overwhelmed, and really I'm emotional.  I know I don't do enough to help others, so I'm not surprised that people aren't jumping up to help me.  And that's okay!  I don't blame them at all!  I've worn out my family helping us with our kids.  I might have even worn out the women in my ward for helping when Scott was sick.  I'm just not sure who else to turn to.  I've expressed my concerns to my Heavenly Father and I know He hears me, but I'm not getting answers.  So, it's really an opportunity for me to grow, but how?  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn.  I've always wanted to be a mom and I am!  I'm happily married and I'm pregnant with another boy (HURRAY)!  School isn't a problem for me, because learning comes easy to me.  It's the whole finding a balance that I'm having a super tough time with!  I can't bring my kids to school with me, so I'm having to choose what's really important.  It's the last month of school too, so a SUPER tough time (I have 2 teaches next week).  I wouldn't mind having my kids go to a daycare (because really they could use the extra help), but can't afford it (or anything for that matter).  Scott still hasn't started working.  He's supposed to go through training next week and he doesn't want to be here.  He can't earn any money here, so he'd rather be living with his mom and working odd jobs for her ( I think she's awesome for helping him-and us-out)!  So, my built-in babysitter is gone and I'm just not having any luck with replacements.  That's not even going into the whole we have no place to live yet.  Scott keeps reminding me that in five to eight years he'll be making good money, but I'm very much a here-and-now girl.  I would love to become licensed as a teacher, so I can help students learn and feel safe.  But, what if that isn't what God wants for me?  I have a hard time having enough faith to give up the prospect of a stable job for me, when Scott is so unstable.  I only have this month and then two semesters of student teaching and I'm done!  That's it!  I have worked incredibly hard to get to this point, with multiple kiddos, so I'd like to think I've earned my chance to get my degree.  I know that Heavenly Father wanted me to do this.  But, does He still?  With the economy being miserable too, I'm just not sure that I can count on Scott making money selling insurance, and making enough to support our large family.  Am I building up student loan debt for no reason?  I hope not!  We came here on an answered prayer, but maybe things have changed.  I don't know and I really don't like not knowing!  So, that's why I'm feeling stressed out and overwhelmed.  I gained five pounds this last month due to my eating and reading (my favorite coping mechanisms).  I'm on autopilot and it's still hard to drive!  I'm trying to find help and can't figure out the best way to do it.  So, yeah.  I have issues, just like everyone else.  Some of "my" issues I'm not allowed to talk about and those, those are the ones that are stinky.  Oh how I wish I could talk about them though!  That would be a nice change!
Anyway, I have a really tough time making phone calls.  Like super tough!  I'm always worried that I'm interrupting something or taking up someone's valuable time.  And I'm a procrastinator.  I really stink at making plans and mainly it's because I've been burned so many times when I planned things in advance, that it's become a deeply embed part of me.  Being a Wife, Mom of Five (and a half) kiddos and a student make plans hard to make and keep.  At least that's my story that I'm sticking to.  Maybe it's my artistic side that makes me a flake that is easily distracted.  Hhmmm...  Or maybe it's because I keep coming up with excuses.  I don't know, but I have every intention of figuring it out, so I can get over it!  I have a lot more life to live (I hope) and I have big plans that I would like to fulfill and letting silly things get in the way is not on my list. 
So, moving right along.  I'm working on getting a schedule going for me (and my kiddos), so we can all get on the same track, headed in the same direction.  Hopefully with few roadblocks and maybe some downhills.  Hey, I can hope!  With a lot of help from a loving Heavenly Father and a fantastic Elder Brother (who was willing to die for us) and some better tuning in to the Holy Ghost, I think we'll all be just fine!  I have a ton of blessings and I think I'm going to go count them.  It might take a while...

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